A WARNING FROM YOUR DRAMA QUEEN

This is an over-read on the Element of Words written in Taglish. Warning: Eto ang mga pangungusap na hindi niyo dapat kaawaan. LOL. :) 

“Ang lungkot ng buhay. Magpapakamatay na ako!” Classic example yan. Kapag pinakinggan mo, your first instinct would be to comfort the person with soothing words. Almost always, something inside you would make you want to shield that person from all the pain he or she is going through. But you know what, it’s not going to be worthy.


Buti sana kung sinabi niyang "ang hirap" kaysa "ang lungkot" Matatanggap ko pa kung bakit gusto niya magpakamatay. Pero nalulungkot lang, gusto na matepok? At ibrobroadcast pa. Gusto niya yata damayan siya or pigilan. Di niya nalang gawin kung talagang may balak siyang gawin. Better let this person know na dapat siya maging strong. May times talaga sa buhay natin, na makakaramdam tayo ng kalungkutan. But a sane person should be able to get through those sad times, with a little bit of humor and some faith.

Another example. When you were the FIRST to send a message to someone, at nireplayan ka ng: “Miss you din. Di mo na ako tinetext ha.” First, you just sent a pm to him or her. Duh? Second, you have to take note na hindi siya ang nagtext. Kung namimiss ka niya talaga, bakit siya nakatiis?

May mga tanong din na pamatay. Halimbawa, “okay ka lang?” kapag obvious naman na hindi okay. And the list goes on. So, I chose to dissect three sentences whose hidden meanings are less obvious than the others. If you don’t listen well, you might just be fooled. Here we go. :)


Bakit ba di mo ako makuhang mahalin? (a)

1. Over naman ang question na ito. Napakalaki ng hinihiling na sagot. At bago pa man makasagot yung tinatanong, masama na kaagad ang dating niya. Haha. Ang tunay na tanong: bakit mo ba kasi pinipilit na mahalin ka? Di naman nakokontrol ang pag-ibig.

2. The fact na nagtatanong ka, siguro di mo talaga siya mahal. Nagdududa ka kaagad. Wala kang trust sa mga nararamdam niyo. Question. Tinanong mo na ba kung di ka talaga mahal? Malay mo mahal ka na pala. Nagpapakanegative ka lang.

3. Kung hindi ka pa niya mahal, bakit, napapagod ka na? Naiinip? Nagmamadali? Parang chinachallenge mo na isarado ang pinto sayo, imbis gawin mo yung opposite. Feeling mo siguro naibigay mo na ang lahat. Kaya siguro, tinatanong mo kung “ano pang kulang”. Una sa lahat, kapag nagmahal ka, wag mo naman ibigay ang lahat. Magtira ka sa sarili mo. Kung di mo mahal ang sarili mo, di ka niya talaga makukuhang mahalin.

4. Oo, normal lang ang masaktan at magdrama, pero tandaan mo na ginusto mo yan. Kung mature ka na, alam mo dapat kung ano ang pinapasok mo, kung ano yang ginugusto mo. Ang tono ng sentence, parang may blame. Dapat wala. Ang pag-ibig, sugal yan. Kapag nagmahal ka, wag ka magtatanong kapag di ka minahal pabalik. Ibig sabihin lang nun, natalo ka sa pustahan. Kung malaki ang talo mo, edi pasensya. Bawi ka nalang.

5. At kung minahal mo talaga, di ka magtatanong kahit natalo ka pa. You will find it in yourself to either let go or continue to fight for it.



Kapag iniisip ko ang first love ko, napapa-smile nalang ako.(b)

1. Unang-una, nanjan ang word na smile. That tells us na mayroon silang good memories.

2. Pero, may word din na ‘nalang’, ibig sabihin, tapos na ang good times nila. Susuportahan ito ng word na ‘iniisip’. Iniisip niya na lang ang kaniyang first love. Tapos na ang kanilang good times.

3. Still, kahit tapos na, makikita natin sa katagang ‘kapag iniisip’ na regular niya pa ring iniisip ang kaniyang first love. Hindi niya pa rin nakakalimutan.

4. Lalo pang nagpapagulo ang word na first sa first love. Alam naman natin na hindi magkakaroon ng first kung walang second. Ibig sabihin, nakapagmahal na siya ng iba. For all we know, baka may third, fourth, at so on na. It goes to show na hindi pa rin siya nakakalimot kahit may iba ng nagdaan.

5. Ginamit niya ang word na LOVE. Dito, nagbabago ang lahat. If it’s love, in its truest sense, bakit ito kailangan mag-end?

6. Sa word na “napapa-smile”, obvious na puro pa-sweet memories ang kaniyang naalala. At dahil first love, malaki ang chance na bata pa sila noong sila’y nagkakilala. Inosente pa. Go lang ng go. Binigay siguro ang lahat lahat to the point na kailangan ng mag-end ang kanilang love for them to grow up.

7. Pero bakit parang permanent na ang pagkaka-end? Kung ang pagiging “bata pa” ang reason, bakit di niya balikan ngayong matanda na?

8. Unless namatay. Pero buhay man yan o patay, pinalitan niya pa rin. So, pag-ibig nga ba talaga ang kaniyang tinutukoy? Kung pag-ibig talaga, bakit kailangan mag-end? Kung bata pa sila, again, bakit di niya balikan? Anong reason? Pride? Anger? Kung ano man ang dahilan, obvious na natalo nito ang so-called love niya. Kung love talaga, bakit natalo?

9. May air of resignation sa tono ng pananalita sa buong sentence. Patunay ito na hindi niya man lang ipinaglaban, at wala siyang balak. Kahit pa may good memories sila, hindi ito naging sufficient para maglast ang kanilang love. Sabi niya nga, “napapasmile nalang siya.” Smile lang ang ginagawa niya. Hindi niya talaga ipinaglaban. So, love nga ba?

10. In the end, wag niyo kakaawaan ang nagsabi ng sentence na yan dahil siya ay gumigive-up. Malaki ang posibilidad na obsessed lang siya sa idea ng kaniyang 1st love at di niya pa talaga alam kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng love. Take note, pinalitan niya rin naman ng ibang babae/lalake yung tinukoy niya sa word na 1st LOVE. Ni hindi niya nga nakuhang isubstitute ang pangalan nung minahal niya. Kung ganon ang ginawa niya, okay lang, mapapatawad pa. Pero hindi mo pa rin maiaalis ang fact na di niya nakuhang ipaglaban. it’s either tanga siya, weak siya, or di niya naman talaga minahal. Puro kalandian lang talaga lahat ng iyon. Para sa akin? Move on, magmahal ka ng bago ng hindi siya inaalala. Kung di mo kaya, balikan mo. Pero kung wala ka naman gustong gawin, none of the sympathy should be yours.


Sorry kung may nagawa man akong mali or di mo nagustuhan. (c)

1. Unang-una, bakit ka magsosorry nang hindi mo naman alam kung bakit ka nagsosorry? Bakit ka humihingi ng patawad kung hindi mo pa narerealize ang kasalanan na ginawa mo? Nagsorry ka pa? Dito pa lamang, halata na hindi talaga heartfelt ang pagsabi ng sorry.

2. Second, bakit ka magsosorry sa isang bagay dahil lang sa hindi nagustuhan ang ginawa mo? Kung gagawa ka ng isang bagay, dapat alam mo kung anong maidudulot nun. At kung sensible kang tao, may sarili kang desisyon, gagawin mo yun kung alam mong tama at di naman nakakasakit, whether or not magugustuhan nila. You can’t please everybody. Kung magsusuot ako ng pink pants at di mo type, magsosorry ako sayo? Ang conscious naman ng dating.

3. Plus nanjan ang word na “kung”. Nagsosorry ka pero hindi mo pa alam kung meron ka ba talagang nagawang mali. Ano yun, kung wala, hindi ka talaga magsosorry. Edi sana inalam mo muna kung meron o wala. Dahil kung di mo rin lang alam kung meron o wala, mas masakit pa yun sa pinagsasabihan mo ng sorry.

4. Sabihin natin na alam mo nang may nagawa kang mali. Sa tono ng buong sentence, mababakas mo naman ang guilt. Siguro nga, alam niya na na mayroon siyang ginawang mali.

5. Kung alam niyang mayron, edi dapat alam niya na rin kung ano yung ginawa niyang mali. Bakit di niya pa sabihin ng diretso? Example, “sorry, binara kita.”

6. Siguro, di ka sure kung nakasakit ba talaga yung ginawa mo? But that’s not an excuse. Pwede mo naman sabihin, “Sorry, binara kita. Kung nakasakit iyon sayo, di ko sinasadya.” Di mo inaasume na nakasakit ka, pero humingi ka na rin ng patawad dahil alam mong mali yung nagawa mo.

7. It is therefore evident na alam niya naman ang ginawa niyang mali pero di niya pa rin sinasabi dahil di niya pa rin inaadmit. Edi sana naghintay muna siya ng time. Kapag bukal na sa loob niyang mali siya, saka nalang siya magsorry. Parang ang dating tuloy, self-pity. Parang ikaw pa may kasalanan sa kaniya. If ever na alam mo ang kasalanan mo, what will hold you back to say it?

8. It’s possible na nahihiya siya dahil paulit-ulit niya ng ginawa yung kasalanan na yun. Yung mga ganitong sorry, kapag pinatawad mo, para mo na ring binigyan ng V.I.P. card para paulit ulit kang saktan sa ganoong paraan. Kasi pinapatawad mo naman ng so so lang.

9. Last possible option, trip niya lang. Trip niya magsorry, to bitch around, or para sure na walang galit sa kaniya. Poor style.

10. Bottomline, hindi dapat pinapatawad ang ganitong klase na sorry. I don’t think closure will be achieved. Magkakasorihan nga pero hindi yung tipong forgive and forget. Kaya kung ganito rin lang ang sorry, forget it.




All right, I admit, that I'm being over-analytic here. I tend to do that a lot. But you can’t really blame me. While I grow up, I meet more people, and let’s just say not all of them had been exactly true to me. As an effect, I gradually lost that free-spirited, innocent girl who has a weakness for this kind of stuff. I learned to be always on my guard, and to choose who to trust. Sometimes, it’s a good thing. Most of the time, it isn’t.


I’m always looking forward to the day when I meet that girl again. But for now I think I'll keep paying attention to actions and words per se. Though I must admit, it's kind of useless, because some will always be unreadable, and some, will always be an exception, in a way that I’ll always be weak to them. I guess at the end of the day, we have only our instincts to trust.


From your drama queen who hates drama,
RC. <3

THE FIVE PEOPLE I MEET IN HEAVEN. PROBABLY?

“There are five people you meet in heaven,” the Blue Man said. “Each of us was in your life for a reason. You may not have known the reason at the time, and that is what heaven is for. For understanding your life on earth.”

-from The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom.

(1) THE CAPTAIN. SOMEONE WHO SAVED YOUR LIFE.

Once upon a summer time, in a faraway resort called Monte Vista, a family vacationed. After renting a hut, they busied themselves with food preparations, chatter, and other useless engagements. Bored, a little girl of about four-feet tall, who doesn't know how to swim, jumped in the six-feet water. That's me.

If I could marry a swimming pool back when I was eight years old, I would have been married at a young age. I’m so addicted with splashing about in the water that my addiction brought me to actually drown.

But hey, I was actually expecting to land on my floater. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. Another thing, nobody knows I'm in the pool. 

But it's kind of weird, because I don't think I felt like drowning or not being able to breathe anymore. For one, I didn't panic. What I did was calmly stare up at the donut-shaped floater above me.

Then I got to my senses and actually thought about my life. (Thank goodness I did!) It was so vivid in my memory. My small hands extending up to the floater with no luck. Seemed like forever. "Ayoko mamatay sa tubig," -that's what's going on in my mind. 

But you know what, if it's not yet your time, then it's not. So while it's not, live. If you want to jump in a pool, don't let fear stop you.

Not that I'm saying you should risk your life or whatever. In the metaphoric sense, always remember that there's always going to be good-hearted people, who will help.

While I was drowning, someone held my hand and pulled me out of the pool. My hero had been a woman. I couldn’t remember her face anymore. But this was the exact sentence she told her companion: “Tingnan mo ‘to o, nasa 6 feet, ganyan kalaki.” And her companion replied, “buti nakita mo.”

I actually felt irritated at them for looking me up and down. I couldn’t remember saying thank you or expressing any sign of gratitude. In fact, I was sure I raised my eyebrows at them and marched off like a total bitch.

When my mom asked me where I’ve been? I’ve been to the shower. 

I owe that woman a lot. I sure hope she would not raise her eyebrows at me, and worst, stalk off, just in case we meet in heaven.

But if she did, I'll understand. We have what we call utang na loob. Haha! :)

(2) THE BLUE MAN. A LIFE YOU AFFECTED.

Looking back, I couldn’t remember saving anyone’s life at all? Though if you ask me if it's possible that I've killed someone already, without actually meaning to do so? Let me see.

I was attempting to give my mom a kiss but gave her a head-butt instead. It made her head hurt so much that she felt something between dying and wanting to kill me. Once, I almost burned my family to death by forgetting to unplug my highly explosive cellphone. I charged it for like twenty four hours.

The thought that I might have had killed someone by accident is really scary. But we never know. Most of the time, we have no idea about what we're capable of.

But wait. I did save someone. When our pet dog ran out of the house, I went after her, just in time to see a red van ready to roll on her.

Good thing, the windows of the van are opened, so the driver heard my hysterical scream and pressed on his brakes. If I didn’t shout so loudly, the back wheels of his vehicle would have hit Sugar. And I would have filed a law suit against him. 

Or maybe not. The man had looked really angry. I must have had scare him out of his wits. Quits lang, because his stare scared me too. Haha. Oh well. At least no one's hurt. :)

(3) RUBY. A LIFE THAT AFFECTED YOU.

Okay, I work in this publication, at least until the 29^th of April. It has brought me joy and pain, both in a good and bad way. 

But honestly, sometimes, I find myself wondering why I dedicated half my HS life to it. I don’t even know who invented that publication and where the hell did he or she get the name? But I’m guessing that person might have had a certain fondness with rosaries, given that the name of our journal is The Rosarian. Whatever. I am clueless. At least Eddie is a bit familiar with Ruby Pier, right?

Not to mention all the tiring jobs I need to do, the emotional stress I went through, and the people who discourage me. I guess I just love what I do. For that reason alone, I was able to get through the thick times. :)

(4) MARGUERITE. YOUR TRUE LOVE.

What about true love?

Jack and Rose. Clare and Henry. Landon and Jamie. Robby and Cecilia. Benjamin and Daisy. Holly and Gerry. Dao and San chai. Harry Potter and Ginny. Even Simon had Maria Clara for a while. 

And Eddie. He met Marguerite.  “Life has to end,” she said. “Love doesn’t.” Well, me? Good luck to that. I’ve just had my 18^th yellow car.

My sister taught me a rule. She told me to count yellow cars. No taxis, vans, trucks, jeepneys, etcetera.

When I reach the 100^th car, the first person who talks to,me, who is not my family or anything, shall be my soulmate. Yes, I admit, it’s kind of crazy.

Here's something less crazy. I think I've never found true love, at least not like those in the movies. But I try not to worry about it that much. I mean, yes, I gave my heart to a few people a few times and broke it, but it's not like someone told me to do that kind of thing anyway. Being unhappy just because someone broke your heart, and then forgetting everyone else who loves you, it's just unfair. For me, as long as I have my family and friends, I'm alive. :)

                                           
(5) TALA. SOMEONE WHO MADE A DIFFERENCE.

As for the last person I’ll meet in heaven, I have not the slightest idea.  As far as I am concerned, no one has ever died for me to live. But I do know that I have failed and hurt so many people in my life. That some sacrificed for me to feel happy and comfortable. Maybe I’ll meet them all in heaven and get to say sorry.

The funny thing about me, and I always say this, is that: I never knew how is it to hurt strangers. But that I almost, always hurt the ones I love.

I guess while we're here on earth, we'll keep on hurting one another. The world hurts you. You hurt the world. It's sort of like a process.

But somewhere, we'll always be creatures with hearts. And even if our hearts are turned into stone because of countless people or occurrences we face along the way,  there will always be something or someone to soften it up.

Because we are one giant web, a story weaved by a single force, a single Spider. Our threads lay alongside each other, constantly intertwining. So that one movement will affect the other.  So that each of us is an important element, never useless.

I think this simple fact is true, whether or not heaven is real. Whether once we die, we fade away like dusts, or we go walking into a paradise and meeting different people... it is true that as persons, we affect one another. It is true that we fall in love. And most importantly, it has to be true, that life is wonderful, no matter how frightening or sad it may seem, no matter how meaningless and depressing it sometimes is.
 

In the places we go to and the stages of life we undergo, in each of our travels and each of our experiences, it's the people we meet, more than anything else, that makes the most of the difference.

About heaven, or hell, or simply life after death,we’ll never know. It’s not like one of us had managed to actually reach heaven, meet God, and go back like as if nothing happened. I think death is the one thing that humanity will not be able to conquer, ever.

But death. It’s ugly, yes. But all sorts of ugliness have a hidden beauty to it. We just have to see. After all, death is the completion of life. Without it, everything falls into a meaningless pattern. 

Some of us will be famous and rich. Some of us will be commoners with a normal family. Some will have to suffer. But always, there’s got to be a reason why we lived. I think that’s what Mitch Albom was trying to point out when he said that heaven is the place to understand your life and gain true peace. 

Well, I don’t want to live my life thinking about heaven and getting over-analytic.  I want to live my life for this world where I currently exist. Like hello? But it’s also good to think that none of it ends with dying. And I do hope it’s true. I guess I should have faith that it’s true. 

And I guess I'm going to leave it all there. Don’t forget to read The Five People You Meet in Heaven. I mean, I know my essay is kind of crazy and useless. But the book, it's serious, and it will definitely mark you like no other.

P.S. I’m praying my last person would be Alex Pettyfer. Is that a little over-rated? Oh well. :)

 

With love, RC. :)

THE END OF THE WORLD

  While we are busy making plans, there is more than ½ probability that we are simply materials of a bigger plan.

I will not go into the details of it. It’s probably all over the news, anyway. How a tsunami literally swept away Tokyo as of the 11th of March. It’s like one big giant broom cleaning out a city. If you still don’t know about it, well, damn you. For apparently, it's talk of the town. And along with it is the idea that the world might be ending. Great, right?

Before anything else, I want to ask you two questions. Which if you decide to answer, you are required to answer truthfully. One, are you afraid of the “end” of the world? And two, why?

If you answered a yes, and it is because of the possibility that you may die, then damn you again. Honestly, if the world is bound to end, and everyone is bound to die, would it still be your wish to live? Really, how selfish could you get?

Well, I couldn’t blame you. I’m not saying my answer was not a yes. When I heard the news about Tokyo, my initial reaction was: “Oh my God. I hope that doesn’t happen to us.” I guess it’s natural, our will to live.

But sometimes, it’s unfair.  First, it’s unfair that we lived, and they died. Second, it’s unfair that our reactions were basically NOT about them. Nakakaasar lang kasi takot na takot yung iba. Puro end of the world pinagsasabi. As if that will help the situation.

“Save us from the end of the world.” So far, of all my ugly prayers, this is the ugliest. Why not pray for the world to NOT end at all? Seriously, it bothers me. I mean, a lot of lives were taken, a lot are dead out there, and there must be a reason why we are still alive. Their deaths must mean something more. They must bring out something better in us than mere prayers for our own safety.

Why are we so pre-occupied about what might come in the future, that none of us even stop to think: why is this happening?

Don't tell me that this is just a mere coincidence that happened to kill a city. Na yung mga namatay, malas, at yung mga nabuhay, swerte. I'd like to believe this event has a purpose, that it is not completely meaningless.

Why can't we give the occasion a little bit of importance, and ask: WHAT IS THIS TSUNAMI FOR?

I know. This question is pretty hard to answer. What do I know anyway, what do we know? They say we, and every single occurrence in this world, are interconnected. But what if everyone and everything is just a part of the balance of things. What if we are born and things happen. For no real reason. What if. None of us, and none of all these events, truly mattered?

 But even with this kind of argument,  even if everything seemed meaningless, we have to realize that these events do not serve to give meaning to us, but rather we must give meaning to them. 

Sometimes, there is no sense into something unless we put sense into it. 

If we decide that we want the end of the world, then this Tsunami is just about what we need. But if we go for life, go for restoration, then this Tsunami is our way to trigger everyone’s attention. In this way, nothing becomes pointless. Every occurrence becomes significant.

But if we really want life, then why bring the end of the world into the picture? What's the point?  

Know this: tomorrow, we may always die. Maybe not from a Tsunami, or a storm, a landslide, an earthquake, or whatever. The thing is, the danger of death had always been there since we were given life. So let's quit the panic-mode and think rational.  Let's go over our fear, and trust, that the world is not yet ending. Find strength in each other, in God. Then come on. Let's do something! I know it's not as easy as I make it sound. But we can always try.

We were told that everything happens for a reason. But sometimes, we're not sure if it really does. So give a reason to this Tsunami by letting it be a source of inspiration. Do something. Don't wait for a catastrophe to hit to you before finally understanding what it means. Give it a meaning instead. 

Remember, love begets love. ;)

Speaking like this for the first time in years,

RC

 

 

DEAR DIARY

I really want my first blog to be of some importance, but I guess we do not really get what we want in life, for apparently, this is the most useless junk ever written. So don’t read it unless you’re terribly bored.

I love diaries. I think everyone should keep one. Of course, it’ll be hard to convince boys, or some people who hate writing or getting emotional. The thing is: there’s really not a rule on diaries saying it must have flowery or emotional words. So I got into this habit, giving a diary as a gift, whenever I have the chance.

On the other hand, I just hate planners. I hate getting life organized. It is never meant to be planned out on a small notebook, or even a large one for that matter. When you have a planner and you read it sometime later on in your life, you will see highly important meetings and birthdays and flag ceremonies. You will see very few experiences written, and even fewer people.

But diaries. They’re just wonderful. Sometimes heartbreaking, terrifying, embarrassing, but that makes it all the more beautiful. For a diary entry will say more about that big boss firing you without good reason, and that birthday turning out to be a day early by mistake, or how you were probably late on that flag ceremony and you caught you crush smiling teasingly at you. Diaries will not remind you of the things you have failed to do, which is a planner’s tendency. But it will read out to you all that you have done. Not necessarily the most important, life-changing events. Just the everyday tidbits. Just the tiny details we tend to ignore. Just all that really mattered.

They say it’s not good to keep a diary. Or at least, they tell you to skip writing the bad parts of your life. That it’s a bad practice. That it’s like clinging to yesterday, not moving on, blahblahblah. For me, that’s not really true. Those things, may it be good or bad, they already happened. So nothing is really gonna happen when you write it on a piece of paper. We should accept this very crucial fact. That we don’t have the reverse button in real life. Accept the past and have the bravery to record it. Don’t blame it for anything, not for the present or the future. It has nothing to do with the both of them. Well, that’s not really true, but putting all the charge on the past, it’s like underestimating what the present can do. One day, the present will become the past, so live it the way you want to live it and just ignore everything else. 

When I was young, I auditioned for the glee club. I did not get in the first time, so I tried for the second audition, and tried again for the third. I never got in, so guess what? I never sang in front of a crowd again. I blame my yesterday, because the humiliation I have gone through was traumatizing, etc. Then one day, I realized that the problem is not about me having that “very bad” past, it’s because I keep on using that “very bad” past when I simply could disregard it, throw it into yesterday’s bin. Or even turn it into something “very good”.  Control the past, don’t let it control you.

It’s one principle I picked up from someone.  I’m not really asking you to pick it up from me. I guess there are really occurrences that make marks, some beautiful, some ugly, certainly irremovable. But there’s the whole point again, we can’t turn back time –that’s a famous and very true saying. It’s good we keep something to remind us what that mark was all about. It’s not good having scars and forgetting where we got them. That’s the time when they become totally useless.'

That’s another talent of a diary. Through it, we see that nothing that has ever happened was ever useless, and that we didn’t just see rightly at that time. I course through my diary and I am just amazed of all the things that have happened to me, and to think I’m thinking my life is pretty boring. When you’re bored, all you have to do is do something, really. 

 

I don’t know why people are so forgetful. It’s like our long-term memories are for extreme occasions only. And that’s seldom. If not, we remember bad times, which is just unfair. It’s impossible, not to have one good memory, not to have had fits of laughter... we just have to remember well.

And being human, I admit I really don’t remember well. I actually always forget where I place my eyeglasses. And sometimes, I forget what uniform to wear to school. Or what the date is. It’s crazy, that’s why maybe: diaries became a really good friend of mine.

My diary started out as a reminder notebook. In case you don’t know, it’s the notebook where you write all the assignments you have to pass or all the tasks you have to do. Right, I know, it’s almost like a planner. But I told you I hate planners, so I started doodling on my guide notebook. And from doodles, the words just came out. That’s how we met. :)

A paper. It will listen to you. It will be silent. It will accept everything you have to say and make you end all your sentences. It will never attempt to give advice nor will it betray your secrets to anyone. For people like me, it’s the perfect best friend.

The funny thing is, and this usually happens to me, when I write a problem on a paper, something that actually confuses me, it’s like my head is suddenly cleared. Perhaps because everything is jotted down, my thoughts are suddenly organized. And I find the answers coming to me out of nowhere. It’s really comforting.  

Once, I was writing, “I hate my mom. She scolded me for treating my sister badly. I was not to be blamed, am I? I just...” Then I stopped. Of course I poured my dog’s water on my sister’s face, and surely I’m to be scolded. This kind of realizations hit me always. If there is one thing diaries don’t consider, its mistakes. Diaries taught me to write my story so I could spot what is wrong about it. Then live it right.

 

I sort of regret that lately, I dropped out of the diary habit. I guess I encountered a lazy phase in my life. But I think that’s presumably ordinary. One time or another, a person gets tired of his or her diary, the way people sometimes get tired of old friends. But since you’ve started doing diaries, you’ll never really stop for the rest of your life, maybe occasionally, but never forever. 

 

I guess quitting my diary temporarily was helpful, for I spent all that time reading all my old entries. It’s like doing a kind of retreat. Believe it or not, one day, especially if you’ve already grown a lot, you’ll read your diary as a different person, as if you weren’t the one who wrote those words. And you’ll be reminded of... old times. 

 

Reminds you of how the principal always scolds you for being late, how you seemed to be a hopeless romantic falling head over heels for a guy who’s not even your friend, how you fell for your best friend, how you fought with your best friend for he’s having a new best friend that ended up as your best friend too, how your used to like drinking the cold tea called Simple Life after playing volleyball with some of your friends, how your sister once cut your favorite Barbie doll’s hair, that you play Barbie dolls (!), that one of your Barbie dolls was named after your favorite cousin Jennifer, that you miss that cousin now that she’s already working, how you sneak out eating while the teacher discusses, how you always liked English class, how you’re a total sucker at arts, how your parents fought, how your parents got back together, how you cried under a jacket during camping because you’re really tired and sad, how you used to dream of being married and having four kids when you were four years old, how you used to love reading Zodiac signs predictions, how you promised you will never change your religion, how you doubted God, how you cried to God... how you were sad once, and that you were also happy once...

Diaries remind you of the person you used to be. That girl, or boy. That kid, innocent of life’s tricks, just learning, still unharmed, thinking she know it all, but ending up stumbling over a tiny pebble. Standing up. Taking one step at a time. That girl, or boy. That kid, who never seem to surrender. It’s like talking to the child in you. Diaries remind you of who you truly are. And because of that, diaries don’t just remind you of old times. It also reminds you of this time, this hour, this minute, this second that passes by as you reach the period of this sentence. It reminds you of today. Of your current life.

It’s really like a reminder notebook. Reminds you of your thoughts, ideas, things you want to do but have not yet done. Reminds you of the friends you have lost that maybe you could call, or friends that you still have but fail to value. Reminds you that time is very powerful, that you may think your life is horrible at this point, and sometime later realize that it’s just plain messy, and messy in a funny sort. Gives you hope, tells you a lot of things. 

As for me, a voice that almost came with a shrug, said: Life is not so bad after all.

Judy Abbott did it. Anne Frank did it. They say everyone has a story to tell, and that’s right. But stories fade away, just like dreams do when we wake up. And diaries, they’re like dream-catchers. They catch stories, keep it in a close fist that would later on open to reveal a butterfly sitting on a calloused palm. Write your story. Very few, brave people could do it. And well, some very bored people too. :)

Love, rc.